unreasonably terrified

That's right.  I'm terrified--have been since Monday.  But, perhaps I need to go a bit further back in my life to explain.  P and I have been struggling with money issues for our family of 6 for many years now (probably since it was a family of 4).  And we've realized that the only way for us to get more $ for the family is to get better paying jobs.  And obviously the easiest way--or at least the easiest, most legal way--to do that is for me to get an education that will allow me to get a better paying job.  So, I started on my path to a nursing career back in 2008.  I finished my nursing assistant courses and started with additional requirements to start classes in the fall of 2009.

Then a move, followed shortly by an unexpected--or should I say unplanned--pregnancy but the plans on hold.  We started back on the path again earlier in September, and just before our trip to Disney World, I heard that I had been accepted to the nursing program here at our local technical college.  After we got back from our trip, I scheduled an appointment with one of the counselors--this had to be done before I could do anything else in the process.  My appointment was on Monday.

As I sat in the counselor's office, I realized I was just plain and simply scared about going to school.  I actually started crying--in the counselor's office.  I'm rolling my eyes at myself.  We mapped out a basic plan of attack for me.  I will have 2-3 years before I'm accepted into the core classes of the nursing program.  In the mean time I'll be taking some of the generals and electives.  If all goes as planned, I should be done with school in 4-5 years.

I've spent the days since then paralyzed with fear anytime I think about school.  It's really hard to pin point the reason (s) why, but here are some of them.

1. What if I can't manage it all--all the extra work on top of everything I should be doing now--note I said everything "I should" be doing--not "am doing."  So many days I feel overwhelmed, I can't imagine school making it any easier.

2.  What if I can't pull the grades--I was a good student in high school--up until my last semester.  What if I can't be a good student again?

3.  How am I going to have the time to spend with the kids?

4.  Where is the money for the baby-sitter/day care going to come from?

5.  What if I just don't like it?

6.  What if P gets a new job and it doesn't work out for school?

7.  What if I get all the way through the school, and get my license and then just don't like being a nurse?  What if I hate it?  What if I'm no good at it?

I suppose I feel a bit better for getting that all out of my system.  But really, where's my adventuresome spirit when I need it?  I know that this needs to be done, I know I need to suck it up and do it, but when am I going to feel ready?